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The Adventures of Roseidous
(The Official Tyrael Rip-Off)

Deep within the blackness of deletion, a lone battlecruiser flees, barely having escaped certain doom. On the bridge, sitting in his pseudo-throne command chair, Roseidous sits, surrounded by his supermodel clones. Cindy Crawford-clone, sitting on the right arm of his dais, feeds him skinned grapes one by one, and Elekra-clone, on the left, strokes his smooth, bare, muscular chest and imaginary beard. Two additional supermodel-clones stand on either side of Roseidous, methodically flapping golden pole-arm peacock-feathered fans. Draped across the bleak techno walls of the bridge hang long, dawn-tinted Chinese silk sheets, and around Roseidous’ throne/command chair lay a multitude of purple Persian pillows of various sizes.
The bridge iris swirls open with a clean hisp, and Denise Richards-clone rushes in, wearing a post-modern futuristic ruby-festooned bikini--the standard uniform aboard the USS Studmuffin.
"Oh Great One!" she gasps, hands on knees, "We have fixed Engine Nacelle B, but much of the hull is still damaged, and weaponry is only 20% functional. It will take at least another week to complete repairs!"
"Wait…did you run up here all the way from engineering?" Roseidous asks, lifting his eyebrow.
"Well, umm, yeah…" Denise wipes off the beads of sweat dripping from her forehead. "How else would I have told you this?"
"You do know we have an intercom system, don’t you?" Roseidous points to the little speaker imbedded in the arm of his gilded throne/command chair.
"Oh… We…do?"
"Hmmm, let’s check the security cameras…" Roseidous presses a button among many on his throne/command chair, and from above a screen is lowered down from the ceiling. It flickers on to show the events of ten minutes beforehand, showing Denise running down a long, long, long hallway. The bikini top catches Roseidous’ eye as she runs on the screen, and he watches intently, hypnotized.
"Studly Sir?" Denise interjects, wondering if there is anything else she can do.
"Oh! Good, uhh…work, Denise." Roseidous says, still staring at the bouncing bikini top on screen. "You can run back to engineering now…"
"Sexy Stud Roseidous…" Cindy-clone beckons, feeding him another skinned grape, "What will we do about…you know…"
The remark draws Roseidous’ attention away from the security monitor with sudden vengeance. A sparkle of pure hatred can be seen flared up in his eyes. “Blast you Jeff and Tyrael!! How dare you disrupt my Altoids-induced hallucinatory delusions of semi-grand grandiose type…stuff! I’ll get you! I’ll get you all!!! Albuquerque will be mine!"
"Umm, we’re five billion light-years from Earth…they can’t hear you."
"Yeah, but the audience can. It’s for dramatic effect."
Cindy-clone furrows her brow. "Audience?"
"Yeah, see that video camera over there?” Roseidous gestures towards you. "It’s taping all of this live for the kids at home."
"What video camera? I don’t see any…"
Roseidous laughs. "No, we’re not suppose to know it’s there, but if you look hard enough, you’ll see it. Say hi to them!"
Cindy waves to you. "But, umm, Super Stud Roseidous, won’t this video camera compromise security when you divulge your new Evil Plot to us?"
"Naw, that’s what fade-outs are for! Speaking of fade-outs…Catherine!"
Catherine Zeta Jone-clone turns away from her forward navigational consul to look back at Roseidous. "Yes, Magnificently Muscular Roseidous?"
"Target the next closest galaxy and prepare to hyperjump over there. I’ve got a new Evil Scheme. Tyrael, Jeff, Tails, Guilianna, and all those who allied themselves with the snobbish goodie-goodies will pay. Oh, yes, they’ll pay! They took Roses away from me, the only one who ever understood my…roseiness… They’ll pay a thousand fold for that! And credit cards won’t be accepted in my New-and-Improved Super Ultimate Evil Scheme! Bwahahahahahaaa!!! *cough, cough* …Quo fade-out!"

*crackle, crackle*

Screen Fades Out…

Announcer pops in. “What diabolical scheme has the Evil and Incredibly Good-Looking Roseidous cooked up for our heroes? What could he be plotting? Is it some sort of new mind-controlling soda? A weird ray gun made of chocolate? Whatever it may be, it’s sure to be Evil! Stay tuned for the next exciting issue of The Roseidous Adventures! Same Roseidous time, same Roseidous channel! Be there! Or be somewhere a little more interesting as an excuse!

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