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WOMAN

A Chemical Analysis

ELEMENT: Women

SYMBOL: Wo

DISCOVERER: Adam

ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40-200kg

OCCURRENCES: Copious quantities in all urban areas

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Surface usually covered in painted film
2. Boils at nothing; freezes w/o known reason
3. Melts if given special treatment
4. Bitter if incorrectly used
5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore
6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious stones
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
3. May explode spontaneously w/o prior warning and for no apparent reason
4. Insoluble in liquids, but actively increases greatly in saturation of alcohol
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man

COMMON USES:
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation
3. Very effective cleaning agent

TESTS:
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state
2. Turns green when placed beside a betta specimen

HAZARDS:
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other



MAN

A Chemical Analysis

ELEMENT: Man

SYMBOL: Ma

QUANTITATIVE: Accepted at 7 inches though known to be as small as 4 inches.

DISCOVERER: Eve (discovered by accident when she had a craving for ribs)

OCCURRENCES: Often found near dual element Wo, usually in high concentrations surrounding a perfect Wo specimen.

Physical properties:
1) Surface is often covered with hair; bristly in some areas, soft in others.
2) Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic and Common Sense, melts when treated properly.
3) Can cause headaches
4) Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction with Wo
5) Gains considerable mass and loses reactive nature, as specimen ages
6) Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive to extremely thick.
7) Often damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with polluted form of the Wo common ore.

Chemical properties:
1) All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction is possible.
2) May react with several Wo isotopes in a short period under extremely favorable conditions.
3) Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to Wo.
4) Usually willing to react with whatever is available.
5) Will be fairly inert and repellant to most other elements when saturated with alcohol.
6) Is repelled by most common household appliances and cleansers.
7) Is repelled by small children in diapers, particularly those of the malodorous variety.
8) Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.

Storage:
1) Best results near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35 for favorable reaction style.

Uses:
1) Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, free dinners for Wo.
2) Can be used in recreational activities.

Tests:
1) Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity
2) Reacted specimens broadcast information on many wavelengths.

Caution:
1) May react extremely violently when another Ma interferes with reaction to a particular Wo specimen.



10 Reasons Women Date Jerks Instead of Nice Guys
10) More fun to complain about them to your friends.
9) Guys who actually like you just aren't challenging or exciting.
8) When you do date nice guys, they turn into jerks anyway, so why not save time and go for the jerk in the first place?
7) You won't get as emotionally attached to a jerk, so you'll be more in control.
6) All the other women want them, so they must be worth having.
5) Affection means more when it comes from a guy who doesn't normally give it.
4) Guaranteed to cheat on you so someone else can endure his lack of lovemaking skills most of the time.
3) No need to feel guilty for abusing or deceiving them.
2) Jerks will actually tell you when they don't like what you're doing instead of getting mad about it six months later.
1) Looking for someone you can't trust, and won't care about too much, who will abuse you mentally and financially, but you don't know any lawyers.



43 REASONS WHY COMPUTERS ARE BETTER THEN WOMEN
1) A computer can wait forever for you.
2) A computer doesn't compare you with its past users.
3) A computer doesn't get calls from its past users while you're logged in.
4) A computer doesn't mind how excited you get.
5) A computer doesn't tell you how completely terrific it's past users have been.
6) A computer is big in all the right places.
7) A computer never forgets your birthday.
8) A computer won't ask, "Are you in?"
9) A computer won't ask, "Is there another computer?"
10) A computer won't even talk about marriage.
11) A computer won't fall in love with you just because you have sex.
12) A computer won't get b*tchy if you're slow to respond.
13) A computer won't grade you on how much you send it.
14) A computer won't look through your checkbook.
15) A computer won't mind how many other accounts you have, or if you keep getting new ones.
16) A computer won't say, "Let's just be friends."
17) A computer won't shave with your razor.
18) A computer's maintenance personnel don't cross-examine you every time you log in.
19) Computers are easy to turn on.
20) Computers are ready when you are.
21) Computers are very responsive.
22) Computers aren't into finding out how far you'll go to keep your account.
23) Computers do everything you tell them to.
24) Computers don't care about age differences.
25) Computers don't care if you're married.
26) Computers don't get pregnant.
27) Computers don't get upset if you use other computers.
28) Computers don't insist on foreplay.
29) Computers don't make you meet their parents.
30) Computers don't mind if you share them with a friend.
31) Computers don't mind spending hours on the phone with you.
32) Computers don't play head games unless you ask them to.
33) Computers never ask you to call them in the morning.
34) Computers never have headaches, or take rainchecks, or have a curfew, or have that time of the month.
35) Computers won't mind if you don't like their friends.
36) If you don't like the feel of one terminal you can easily switch to another in less than a minute.
37) Size doesn't count to a computer.
38) The average computer session lasts four hours.
39) With a computer, you never have to say you're sorry.
40) You can log into several computers at once.
41) You can turn off a computer.
42) You can visit a computer any time you like, and it'll be up and ready for you.
43) You don't have to tell computers you love them.



A Girl's Guide to Geek Guys
By Mikki Halpin and Victoria Maat

So, your crush on the bass player from Vibrating Sandbox has finally died a whimpering death and you're wondering where to go from here. All the sinister dudes are either dating a series of interchangeable high-school riot girls in baby doll dresses and an overdose of manic panic, or permanently shacked up with some bitter old lady who pays all the bills. Which will it be, a wifely prison or a humiliating one-night stand? Into this void of potential mates comes a man you may not have considered before, a man of substance, quietude and stability, a cerebral creature with a culture all his own. In short, a geek.

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Why Geek Dudes Rule
-They are generally available.

-Other women will tend not to steal them.

-They can fix things.

-Your parents will love them.

-They're smart.

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Where The Geek Dude Lurks
While they are often into alternative music, geek dudes tend not to go to shows too often. Instead you'll find them hanging out with their friends, discussing the latest hardware revolution or perfecting their Bill Gates impressions. You know how some people wear t-shirts with their favorite bands on them, thus showing that they went to certain shows? Well, geek dudes wear t-shirts with the logos of different software companies on them, thus showing that they are up on the latest, um, releases. A small, though convivial, rivalry may be detected here amongst the geek dudes. Try wearing one yourself and see if he strikes up a conversation.
Of course the best way to meet a geek dude is through the Internet. All geeks harbor a secret fantasy about meeting some girl in cyberspace, carrying on an e-mail romance in which he has the chance to combine an activity he is comfortable with, computing, with one he is very uncomfortable with, socializing. To many geek dudes, cyberdating is just an advanced form of some kind of video game, but they are frustrated by a lack of players. Their lack is your strength.

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Imprinting
You might notice that these men harbor some strange ideas about how the world works and some particularly strange ideas about women. There is a reason for this. Because they've had limited interpersonal experience, geek dudes must look elsewhere for behavior models. Lacking a real world social milieu, geeks often go through a transference stage with such narratives, and try to model their interactions on them. Thus, certain media images and themes come to have an overly cathected, metaphorized reality to them, while the rest of us view such programming as mere entertainment. Case in point, our next topic...

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The Trek factor
If you're not up on your Star Trek, you can forget about getting or keeping a geek dude. And I'm not just talking vintage-era Captain Kirk and Spock either. You've got to be up on your The Next Generation, your Deep Space Nine, your Voyager. Armed with your own knowledge of Federation policies, you can better gauge when and how to act. The sexual politics of Star Trek are pretty blunt: the men run the technology and the ship, and the women are caretakers (a doctor and a counselor). Note the sexual tensions on the bridge of the Enterprise: the women, in skin tight uniforms, and with luxuriant, flowing hair. The men, often balding, and sporting some sort of permanently attached computer auxiliary. This world metaphorizes the fantasies of the geek dude, who sees himself in the geeky-but-heroic male officers and who secretly desires a sexy, smart, Deanna or Bev to come along and deferentially accept him for who he is. If you are willing to accept that this is his starting point for reality, you are ready for a geek relationship.

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Once You've Nabbed Him
Of course, catching that geek guy is only half the battle. Keeping him by your side is another story altogether. I was privileged to speak with Miss Victoria Maat, who not only got herself a geek guy but was also clever enough to marry him just a few short months ago. She interrupted her newlywed bliss to give us a few tips on the care and feeding of a geek man:

Geeks are sensitive and caring lovers and husbands. If you can hang with the techno-lifestyle, they make the best mates. They are the most attractive people, not flashy or hunky, but the kind who get cuter and more alluring over time (I told you she was a newlywed). Definitely give geeks a chance.

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Geek Cuisine
Geeks tend towards packaged, junk foods since they prefer to work and think and aren't all that into cooking for themselves. Make sure that your geek understands that you are not merely a replicator, and provide him with home cooked food. A batch of chocolate chip cookies will let him know that you love him. You do have to monitor your geek for weight gain; however, remember that most of their days are spent sitting and staring at a monitor.

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Geek Lifestyle
The geek dude has long work habits and tends to bring his work home with him. He seems permanently connected to his hard disk. You must at least appear interested in his work. Generally, a solid understanding of the computer is a must; if you cannot master this, you should at least be able to talk the talk. Remember most geeks are anal and they get stressed about details which appear insignificant. Be understanding, put on your best Deanna Troi face (see above) and empathize.

To relax, geeks love to play the latest computer games. Let him play Myst or Chuck Yeager's Air Combat for hours if he wants to. Act concerned if he's stuck or has just been ambushed by three MiGs. My geek loves to try to help people on the Internet who say that they are stuck in Myst. He comes up with clever riddles instead of directing them point blank. Geeks also like to go to sci-fi and Japanese animated movies, again, a basically harmless vent for your man.

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Geek Buddies
Many geeks extend their work friendships into what they jokingly refer to as RL (Real Life, also known as "that big room with the ceiling that is sometimes blue and sometimes black with little lights"). The greatest thing about your geek's buddies is that you can feel secure in setting them up with your girlfriends. They may feel awkward around females at first, so don't overwhelm them. In time they will come out of their shell and realize that you are into the same things they are.

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Post-It Note
I thank Victoria for the above advice. I must say that when she read my draft of the piece, before writing her section, she asked her husband which one he thought she was more like, Deanna or Beverly. Howard, the devil, immediately replied that he had always thought Victoria was actually most like Ensign Ro Laren, a cute character with a slight authority problem who has always had trouble (this is fairly apt). This exchange is interesting for several reasons:

-Howard had already thought about who she was most like.

-He could summon up characters from seasons past with ease.

-Victoria actually knew who he meant.

-Folks, I think this marriage will last.

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One Last Thing
Because they have been so abused and ignored by society, many geeks have gone underground. You may actually know some and just haven't noticed them. They often feel resentful, and misunderstood, and it is important to realize this as you grow closer to them. Don't ever try to force the issue, or make crazy demands that he choose between his computer and you. Remember, his computer has been there for him his whole life; you are a new interloper he hasn't quite grasped yet.

Geek dudes thrive on mystery and love challenges and intellectual puzzles. Don't you consider yourself one? Wouldn't you like a little intellectual stimulation of your own? We thought so.



IF MEN GOT PREGNANT
* Maternity leave would last two years...with full pay.
* There would be a cure for stretch marks.
* Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
* Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.
* All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.
* Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
* Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
* They wouldn't think twins were so cute.
* Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.
* Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.
* Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.
* They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.
* Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree's.
* Women would rule the world.



Bad Pick-up Lines
1) I wish I was one of your tears, so I could be born in your eye, run down your cheek, and die on your lips.

2) Did you know they changed the alphabet? They put U and I together.

3) Can I borrow that quarter, 'cause my mom told me to call home when I fell in love

4) What's wrong? You're looking a little sad and gloomy. What you need is some vitamin me.

5) Are your legs tired? 'cause you been running through my mind ALL day long.

6) Are you lost? 'cause it's so strange to see an angel so far from heaven.

7) Is your father a thief? 'cause he stole the sparkle from the stars, and put it in your eyes. (yo, watch out though, and be prepared with a snappy answer just in case she says 'yes')

8) Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I have to walk by you again?

8) What's that in your eye? Oh...it's a sparkle.

9) If I said you were an angel, would you treat me like the devil tonight?

10) Can I see that label? I just wanted to know if you were made in heaven.

11) Do you like raisins? How about a date?

12) So... How am I doin'?

13) I miss my teddy bear...Would you sleep with me?

14) You look great and all, but do you know what'd really look good on you? Me.

15) Could I get some directions? ("To where?") To your heart.

16) Is it hot in here, or is it just you?

17) If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

18) Look at you, with all those curves, and me with no brakes.

19) Can I flirt with you?

20) Hi, my name's _____, but you can call me "lover".

21) (another quarter line). Could I borrow a quarter? 'cause I just want to call your mother and thank her.

22) (lick your finger and then touch her shirt). Here, let me help you out of those wet clothes.

23) What do you like for breakfast?

24) Say, did we go to different schools together?

25) Hi, my name is _____, how do you like me so far?

26) (At the copy machine) Reproducing, eh? Can I help?

27) Woman asks, "Excuse me, do you have the time?"
You : "Do you have the energy?"

28) You look like the type of girl that's heard every line in the book. So what's one more?

29) Hi, I make more money than you can spend.

30) I'm new in town...could you give me directions to your apartment?

31) I think you're the most beautiful girl I've seen...on a Wednesday

32) I know this is going to sound like a line, but did that sound like a line? Are you disappointed?

33) I know I don't look like much now, but I'm drinking milk.

34) Do you have a map? I just got lost in your eyes.

35) Are you religious? Good, cause I'm here to answer your prayers.

36) Do you have a boyfriend?
-Well, when you want a MANfriend, come talk to me
-Want one?
-Why don't you drop the zero and get with the hero [BK: That sounds like Bluto from Popeye!]

37) Did it hurt? (Did what hurt) When you fell out of heaven.

38) Inheriting 80 million doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart.

39) I lost my phone number, can I borrow yours?

40) If your parents hadn't met, I'd be a very unhappy man right now.

41) Do you drink milk? It sure did your body good.

42) I want you almost as much as I want world peace.

43) You can forget about going to heaven because it's sin to look that good.

44) We both know that I am going to follow you home anyway, so why don't you just come along peacefully?

45) I envy your lipstick.

46) I just want to be loved - is that so wrong?

47) You remind me of an ice cold Pepsi - I've just gotta have it.

48) Do you believe in the hereafter? Good, then you know what I'm here after.

49) If I had eleven roses and you, I'd have a dozen.

50) Baby, you look so sweet you're giving me a cavity.

51) Is it me or am I gorgeous?

52) I'd even marry your dog just to be related to you.



Rebuttals

"Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "Want to Dance?"
Woman: "No, thank you."
Man: "Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "Female impersonator."

Q: What sign were you born under?
A: No Parking.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: DO NOT ENTER.

After hearing a pick-up line:
Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."

A girlfriend of mine once had a graying man in his 60's approach her in a club while she was in college with the line, "Where have you been all my life?" She took one glance at him and said, "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet."

A friend of mine came up with a very quick response over vacation. We were walking down the street and I glanced at a girl who had just walked by. She turned around and said to me, "What are you looking at!?" My friend, walking next to me came to the rescue, "He thought you were good looking, but he was mistaken."

While at college, a few friends were discussing how their "passes" had been rejected by the intended female receiver. One of the ladies explained how she handled it once...
When the guy, obviously getting irritated, blurted out something like, "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!" She responded, "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time."
Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."
Man: Haven't I seen you some place before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body's like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I saw you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd die laughing.



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