|
The Friends* of Mr. Wacked-Out
* By friends it is not meant nor implied that these people are in any relation or have any idea who Mr. Wacked-Out is or that he is currently stalking them.
You’ve all (hopefully) read the various sayings of Mr. Wacked-Out. Now, here’s your chance to read what his friends* are saying! Now you’ll see where he gets it from...
“Inside me there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.” –Bob Thaves
“How do seedless grapes reproduce?” –Mark Matlock
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.” –Phyllis Diller
“Diet: A system of starving yourself to death so you can live a little longer.” –Totie Fields
“You know you’re getting older when you like to see cops go by.” –Jason Chase
“One of the disadvantages of having children is that they eventually get old enough to give you the presents they make at school.” –Robert Byrne
“Apartment: A place where you start to turn off your radio and discover you’ve been listening to your neighbor’s.” –Anonymous
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.” –Sam Levenson (1911-1980)
“Etc: A sign you use in writing to make people believe you know more than you do.” –Anonymous
“Adolescence: The period when children are certain they will never be as stupid as their parents.” –Anonymous
“Baby: A perfect example of minority rule.” –Milwaukee Journal
“Have children while your parents are still young enough to take care of them.” –Rita Rudner
“I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is now pleasure worth foregoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward.” –John Mortimer
“Liberal: A person who feels it is his responsibility to spend conservative’s money.” –Anonymous
“When Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner, then I’ll clean house.” –Roseanne
“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” –Sophie Tucker
“No matter how rich you become, how famous or powerful, when you die the size of your funeral will still pretty much depend on the weather.” –Michael Pritchard
“If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf.” –Bob Hope
“Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.” –W.C. Fields
“Middle age occurs when you are too young to take up golf and too old to rush up to the net.” –Franklin Pierce Adams
“For the parents of a Little Leaguer, a baseball game is simply a nervous breakdown divided into innings.” –Earl Wilson
“God’s way of making separation with children easier was to invent adolescence.” –Mark Patinkin
“Junk: Something you throw away two weeks before you need it.” –Anonymous
“American: One who gets mad when a foreigner curses the insinuations he curses.” –Anonymous
“In two decades I’ve lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.” –Erma Bombeck
“Class reunion: A gathering where you come to the conclusion that most of the people your age are a lot older than you.” –Anonymous
“I could now afford all the things I never had as a kid, if I didn’t have kids.” –R. Orben
“One good thing about middle-age spread is that it brings people closer together.” –Martin Buxbaum
“Never raise your hand to your children—it leaves your midsection unprotected.” –Robert Orben
“If you don’t want your children to hear what you are saying, pretend you’re talking to them.” –Anonymous
“In Mexico, we have a word for sushi: Bait.” –Jose Simon
“Expert: A person who knows enough to complicate simple matters.” –Anonymous
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.” –George Burns
“Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued.” –Bob Hope
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.” –Leo J. Burke
“Grandparent: One who knows that spanking is unnecessary.” –Anonymous
“Birds and bees have as much to do with the fact of life as black nightgowns do with keeping warm.” –Hester Mundis
“The three ages of man: youth, middle age, and ‘You’re looking wonderful.’” –Francis Cardinal Spellman
“A clean desk represents an empty mind.” –Felix Frankfurter
“When you turn thirty, a whole new thing happens: you see yourself acting like your parents.” –Blair Sabol
“Parents are not interested in justice, they are interested in quiet.” –Bill Cosby
“Futon is a Japanese word that means ‘sore back.’” –Nick Arnette
“Washington appears to be filled with two kinds of politicians—those trying to get an investigation started and those trying to get one stopped.” –Earl Wilson
“Propaganda is the art of persuading others of what one does not believe oneself.” –A. Eban
“Governments tend not to solve problems, only rearrange them.” –Ronald Reagan
“Instinct is no guide to political conduct.” –Henry Kissinger
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple car payments.” –E. Wilson
“During this past Christmas while I was on a shopping spree in a department store I heard a little five-year-old talking to his mother on the down escalator. He said, ‘Mommy, what do they do when the
basement gets full of steps?’” –Hal Linden
“I have an aunt who married so late in life that Medicare picked up 80 percent of the honeymoon.” –Don Reber
“Optimist: Someone who sets aside an afternoon to do Christmas shopping.” –P. Wilson
“I’m not working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.” –Carol Leifer
Back
|
Home
|
