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Dear someone:
I am providing this edition of Comedy Corner in hopes that it will save lives and make you all fell warm and gooshy inside. I hope it will be because you feel good and not because you [pooped] yer pants.

I LUV YOU ALL!!! Come and feel the love on this board! And if you did [poop] yer pants, huggies will be provided, because we're big kids now!

- Mr. Wacked-Out
Quote: "Guns don't kill people... I like stories."


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The Stumbling Drunk Trick
By Mr. Wacked-Out

If your school has an annual party, buy a few drinks (non-alcoholic, come on, it's school) get some friends (or people you DON'T know, just sit NEAR them) and slowly nurse your 'beer' until you feel the sugar and chemicals in the drink take effect. Then get poetic, or philosophical about life and death.

Start with something like:

"The ice cubes floating, in silent agony, bobbing, fighting for the precious resources of a dying planet. Alone in their world, they scream for the loss of their beloved, who I so carelessly consume. The death of innocence behold, in this tiny cylinder of wretched, liquid tundra."

You have to be in the mood, use large words and swagger about, tilting the glass back once in a while. And if you feel something simpler will do, try drinking lots of pop, counting each drink as you sixth, seventh, and act drunk. Just don't be too loud. No singing, unless you can get others to do it.

How To Convince Your Teacher You Are Possessed
By Mr. Wacked-Out

1. Get a cup of split pea soup that has been sitting in the fridge for a couple of days.

2. Add enough water to make it the consistency of thick gravy.

3. Find out what your teacher's great grandmother's name was (both first and last)

4. Smuggle it into class in your mouth.

5. Sit at your desk; hold your breath while compressing your chest with your rib muscles (intercostals) to increase the pressure in your chest.

6. This will have the net effect of turning your face a nice shade of purple and making your veins stand out.

7. When the teacher is looking at you, projectile spit out the soup, and in a deep, almost inhuman, raspy voice, say, "(grandmother's name) is rotting in hell because she (insert horrendous activity) on he first date with (insert principal's name)." Pound your fists on the table and refuse to do anything until your teacher supplies you with 4 puppies and a kitten, so you may have a snack.

8. This is sure to get your teacher to believe you are possessed. Or at least get you committed to the proper facility (like me!).

Good luck in all your endeavors!


Bonus Tip:
Go around the halls of your school hugging everyone you can, and before (and after) you do, say, "I love you" in a strange voice. Then ask to give piggyback rides. It's fun!

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