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Psychiatric Hotline
Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are an obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
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WHY ASK WHY?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
If 7-11 is open 24-hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM.?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why do they call them buildings when they're already built??
Why do they call them apartments when they're close together??
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Mr. Wacked-Out's Big Book of Basil Bagels
101 Ways To Be Annoying
By, Mr. Wacked-Out
1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17-inch paper, 98 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog "Dog."
15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace."
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."
26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy."
27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.......
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
34. Drum on every available surface.
35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
41. Set alarms for random times.
42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
45. Honk and wave to strangers.
46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
49. Wear your pants backwards.
50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
53. only type in lowercase.
54. dont use any punctuation either
55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.
61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
66. At the Laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
73. Drive half a block.
74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
75. Ask people what gender they are.
76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.
77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers/classmates brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
86. Wear a LOT of cologne.
87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
88. Sing along at the opera.
89. Mow your lawn with scissors.
90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
96. Never make eye contact.
97. Never break eye contact.
98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
30 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator
By, (you should already know by now) Mr. Wacked-Out
1. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
2. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
3. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
4. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
5. Offer nametags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
6. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
7. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
8. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
9. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
10. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
11. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
12. When at least eight people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
13. Meow occasionally.
14. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
15. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
16. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
17. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
18. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
19. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
20. Burp, and then say, "mmmm...tasty!"
21. Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
22. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "is that your beeper?"
23. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
24. Say, "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
25. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
26. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
27. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
28. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
29. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
30. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passenger
Dr. Wacked-Out's Guide To Women
Women, by nature, are evil. It is only when we understand this simple concept that men can ever hope to understand women. Hopefully, with these guidelines, men will have a better understanding of the mysterious ways of womankind. The first thing one must remember about a woman is that she knows everything. This is without exception. To go as far as say that a woman knows what you are thinking is not unrealistic. If, at any point of time, you are unsure of what you are thinking, one of the best ways to find out is to ask the nearest woman.
But, unfortunately, there is a drawback to asking a woman such a question. This drawback is that she, in all probability, will answer. And once a woman starts talking, it is very rare that she will ever stop. I believe this has something to do with the way that women think. Women believe that as long as they are talking, people listen to her. Of course, listening to a woman talk can be very tedious at times. It is OK not to listen to her as long as you nod your head in agreement and say Uh-huh every now and then. This makes the woman think you are listening and therefore she is happy.
Happiness is a good thing in a woman. If a woman is not happy, all hell breaks loose. In order to help a woman keep a state of happiness, one should buy her gifts for various reasons. These reasons include the 1 month anniversary, the 1 year anniversary, Presidents Day, and any day whose date is a multiple of one. These gifts could be in the conventional form of flowers and candy, or for greater happiness, cars and real estate.
Often, when a woman says something, it is not what she means. But, other times, she says exactly what she means. It is only possible to distinguish these two cases if you are a woman. Since women already know the nature of women, this is of no use to them. For men, we can only hope to distinguish the difference, for a mistake in judgement can result in death.
Women know what men want. This is very strange, because even as sometimes men don't know what they are thinking, men usually don't know what they want. However, I must observe that it seems that what men want for the most part is women. This is unfortunate, for women know this fact and know that it is possible for them to do almost anything and this fact will not change.
Women have a very delicate nature. It is virtually impossible to keep one happy all of the time. It is totally impossible to know what one is thinking or feeling. And it is also impossible for us men, knowing how evil they are, not to love them.
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College Comedy
Students Change Lightbulbs
How many UC Berkeley students does it take to change a lightbulb?
76, one to change the bulb, 50 to protest the lightbulb's right to change, and 25 to counterprotest.
How many UC Davis students does it take to change a lightbulb?
0, Davis doesn't have electricity.
How many UC Irvine students does it take to change a lightbulb?
0, Irvine looks better in the dark (ditto Riverside).
How many UCLA students does it take to change a lightbulb?
1, she holds the bulb, and the world revolves around her.
How many UC Santa Cruz students does it take to change a lightbulb?
11, one to change the bulb, and 10 to share the experience.
How many UC San Diego students does it take to change a lighbulb?
2, one to mix the margaritas, and one to call the electrician.
How many UC San Francisco students does it take to change a light bulb?
2, one to change the bulb, and one to crack under pressure.
How many UC Santa Barbara students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only 1, but he gets six credits for it!
A "Hellish" Thermodynamics Question
A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof.
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass.
If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.
So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.
Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.
It was not revealed what grade the student got.
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Random Ramblings
Stuff that Bart has written on the chalkboard at the beginning of The Simpsons
1. I will not draw naked ladies in class
2. I did not see Elvis
3. I will not call my teacher 'Hot Cakes'
4. Garlic gum is not funny
5. They are laughing at me, not with me
6. I will not yell "fire" in a crowded classroom
7. I will not encourage others to fly
8. I will not fake my way through life
9. Tar is not a plaything
10. I will not Xerox my butt
11. I will not trade my pants with others
12. I will not do that thing with my tongue
13. I will not drive the principal's car
14. I will not pledge allegiance to Bart
15. I will not sell school property
16. I will not cut corners
17. " " " " "
18. " " " " "
19. " " " " "
20. I will not get very far with this attitude
21. I will not make flatulent noises in class
22. I will not belch the National Anthem
23. I will not sell land in Florida
24. I will not grease the monkey bars
25. I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment
26. I will not do anything bad ever again
27. I will not show off {The board was written in an Old English font}
28. I will not sleep through my education
29. I am not a dentist
30. Spitwads are not free speech
31. Nobody likes sunburn slappers
32. High explosives and school don't mix
33. I will not bribe Principal Skinner
34. I will finish what I start
35. Hamsters cannot fly
36. Underwear should be worn on the inside
37. The Christmas pageant does not stink
38. I will not torment the emotionally frail
39. I will not carve gods
40. I will not spank others
41. I will not aim for the head
42. I will not barf unless I am sick
43. I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty
44. I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's [sic] lounge
45. I will not conduct my own fire drills
46. Funny noises are not funny
47. I will not snap bras
48. I will not fake seizures
49. This punishment is not boring and meaningless
50. My name is not Dr. Death
51. I will not prescribe medication
52. I will not bury the new kid
53. I will not bring sheep to class
54. A burp is not an answer
55. Teacher is not a leper
56. I will not eat things for money
57. I will not yell "She's dead!" during roll call
58. The principal's toupee is not a frisbee
59. I will not squeak chalk
60. Goldfish do not bounce
61. Mud is not one of the 4 food groups
"Now, for the Grand Finally!" Roseidous shouts. He plops down JM Robin, dressed in brown garb, green face-paint, and elongated, elfish clay ears. She carries a cane, and looks warily at the expectant audience.
"I won't do it!" she hisses at Roseidous.
"Yes you will, if you want the you-know-what." Roseidous replies snidely.
"Fine. Fine! But I'll get you for this!"
"Alright people," Roseidous begins, "are you ready for...?:"
Y.O.D.A
(Sung to the Village People's "Y.M.C.A")
{As sung by master Yoda, on meeting Luke Skywalker}
[Reenacted by JM Robin]
By Steven Cavanagh (scavanag@sydney.dialix.oz.au)
[music begins]
YOUNG MAN, I saw your ship come down. I said
YOUNG MAN, now it's muddy and brown. I said
YOUNG MAN, put your weapon away, 'cause I
*MEAN* *YOU* *NO* *HARM* *I* *SAY*
YOUNG MAN, There's no need to feel fear. I am
WONDERIN', tell me why are you here? How you
GROWIN', from this food on the plate, I say
*WARS* *DO* *NOT* *MAKE* *ONE* *GREAT*
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A.
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A.
He's 900 years old!
He's so strong in the Force!
Do your Jedi Diploma course!
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
Come and get yourself clean!
Come and have a good meal!
Pretty soon now, the Force you'll feel!
YOUNG MAN, you fell out of the sky, into
SOMETHIN' brown that smells like a sty, and this
TIN CAN started swimming and then, he got
*SPAT* *OUT* *LIKE* *SOME* *THROAT* *PHLEGM*
YOUNG MAN, Welcome to Dagobah. He is
COMIN', master Yoda not far. I'll be
HAVIN' this bright thing that ain't hot. It is
*MINE* *OR* *I'LL* *HELP* *YOU* *NOT*
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A.
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A.
He's 900 years old!
He's so strong in the Force!
Do your Jedi Diploma course!
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A.
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A.
Don't just stand in the rain!
You're all covered with mud!
come and sample my homemade crud!
OLD BEN, Are you listenin' to me? I can't
TRAIN HIM, he's so reckless you see! Like his
OLD MAN, he's so angry but brave! Betcha
*HE* *SCREWS* *UP* *AT* *THE* *CAVE*
YOUNG MAN, If you start will you end, or be
GOING, off to save all your friends? To be
TRAINING, needs commitment and work, if you
*WIMP* *OUT* *THEN* *YOU'RE* *A* *JERK*
You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A.
You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A.
You should stay here and train!
You don't have to save Han!
If you do so, you'll lose your hand!
You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A.
(repeat and fade)
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